Elephant Butte, NM

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Sunday Joke!


A Mexican, a Black, a Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish a piece."

Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa.

"Poof!”  It was done!  Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peek ups to take all my peoples back to our homeland, May-he-co!"

Poof! It was done!  Row after row of rusty Chevrolet pickups appeared on the beach!

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim
countries and serve Allah."

Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach!

Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset,
then looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Lite. It doesn't get any better than this!"

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Sunday Joke!




Thanks Clay, good one!







$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only$4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind! "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the 
purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say 
ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien 
vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm nottoo old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list 
(so they can have fun laughing, too).

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Sunday Joke.

 Yeah, it pretty late.

We are going stock tank floating tomorrow.


For Those Of Us Who Remember.  It's old but still funny.
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
 
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. 
Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
 
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,
and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. 
What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

 
We don't stop laughing because we grow old,
We grow old because we stop laughing.
 
 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Sunday Joke!


Did I read that sign right?
In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE RETURN IT OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).