Sunday Joke!

"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS

Written by a third  grader , on what his grandparents do.

After Christmas , a teacher  asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child  wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma  and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house , but Grandpa

got retarded  and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but its  strapped to the ground. They

ride around on their bicycles , and wear name tags  , because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building

called a  wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they  do exercises there , but they don't do

them very well. There is a swimming pool  too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there  is a

doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so  nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go

cruising in their golf  carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every  night - early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll  house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked

center for pot  luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment  and , says I should work

hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my  retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. 

Then I will let people out,  so they can visit their grandchildren.

Sunday Joke!

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. 

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Sunday Joke!

Subject:  Lord Tunderin

                                     

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Mike Weir drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote  town. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "How's she cuttin' bye" (boy) says the attendant. Mike nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick  up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dose?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Mike. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Mike. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting! "

Sunday Joke!

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at "Hooter's" to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

Sunday Joke!

Al Sharpton was in Sears.

He was there to protest the fact that most all of the washing machines were white.

So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?

Sharpton  pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.

The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll  open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

Sunday Joke!

Chester sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond.

    "If there aren't many ducks out there, I’m not going hunting"

The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says “Well I’m not going to

go out. He only saw two ducks out there”.

Earl says “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?” Earl doesn’t believe it, 

so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says “I don’t believe it. There 

really are only two ducks out there!  "Where did you get that dog?” Chester says

 “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him”.

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. 

The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells

it to go out and look for ducks.  Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a 

stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl’s leg. 

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says “This dog is a fraud. I 

want my money back!”

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he

sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a

stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.

The breeder says “Earl, dogs can’t talk. He was trying to tell you there

are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.

Sunday Joke!

A visit to the psychiatrist

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

Sunday Joke!

The Iranian & the USMC General

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.”

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

Sunday Joke.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,"said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT," said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.