Elephant Butte, NM

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Sunday Joke.



THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the Heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,
 "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"


Ready………..



The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"


Sunday, October 19, 2014

Sunday Joke!


Fresh from my shower, I stand  in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion..  

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it  between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the  mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.  I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts  larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says,
'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'  

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.  

Stupid, stupid man.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Sunday Religion!





                                The Death of Jesus


1. Matthew
Suffered martyrdom in Ethiopia, Killed by a sword wound.

2. Mark
Died in Alexandria, Egypt, after being dragged by Horses through the streets until he was dead.

3. Luke
Was hanged in Greece as a result of his tremendous preaching to the lost.

4. John
Faced martyrdom when he was boiled in a huge basin of boiling oil during a wave of persecution in Rome. However, he was miraculously delivered from death.
John was then sentenced to the mines on the prison Island of Patmos where he wrote his prophetic Book of Revelation. The apostle John was later freed and returned to serve as Bishop of Edessa in what is now modern day Turkey. He died as an old man, the only apostle to die peacefully.

5. Peter
He was crucified upside down on an x-shaped cross.
According to church tradition it was because he told his tormentors that he felt unworthy to die in the same way that Jesus Christ had died.

6. James
The leader of the church in Jerusalem, was thrown over a hundred feet down from the southeast pinnacle of the temple when he refused to deny his faith in Christ. When they discovered that he had survived the fall, his enemies beat James to death with a fuller's club.
* This was the same pinnacle where Satan had taken Jesus during the Temptation.

7. James the Greater
Son of Zebedee, was a fisherman by trade when Jesus called him to a lifetime of ministry.
As a strong leader of the church, James was ultimately beheaded at Jerusalem.
The Roman officer who guarded James watched amazed as James defended his faith at his trial.
Later, the officer walked beside James to the place of execution. Overcome by conviction, he declared his new faith to the judge and knelt beside James to accept his own beheading as a Christian.

8. Bartholomew
Also known as Nathaniel, was a missionary to Asia. He witnessed for our Lord in what is now present day Turkey.
Bartholomew was martyred for his preaching in Armenia where he was flayed to death by a whip.

9. Andrew
He was crucified on an x-shaped cross in Patras, Greece. After being whipped severely by seven soldiers they tied his body to the cross with cords to prolong his agony. His followers reported that when he was led toward the cross, Andrew saluted it in these words: 'I have long desired and expected this happy hour. The cross has been consecrated by the body of Christ hanging on it.'
He continued to preach to his tormentors for two days until he expired.

10. Thomas
Was stabbed with a spear in India during one of his missionary trips to establish the church in the sub-continent.

11. Jude
Was killed with arrows when he refused to deny his faith in Christ.

12. Matthias
The apostle chosen to replace the traitor Judas Iscariot, was stoned and then beheaded.

13. Paul
Was tortured and then beheaded by the evil Emperor Nero at Rome in A.D. 67. Paul endured a lengthy imprisonment which allowed him to write his many Epistles to the churches he had founded throughout the Roman Empire. These letters, which taught many of the foundational doctrines of Christianity, form a large portion of the New Testament.
Perhaps this is a reminder to us that our sufferings here are indeed minor compared to the intense persecution and cold cruelty faced by the apostles and disciples during their times for the sake of their faith. 'And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: But he that endureth to the end shall be saved.' Matthew said; "Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God WILL!"

The Death of Jesus
For the next 60 seconds, set aside whatever You are doing and take this opportunity! Let's see if Satan can stop this!

THE (SCIENTIFIC) DEATH OF JESUS
At the age of 33, Jesus was condemned to death. At that time Crucifixion was the "worst" death. Only the worst criminals were condemned to be crucified. Yet it was even more dreadful for Jesus, unlike other criminals condemned to death by Crucifixion, Jesus was to be nailed to the Cross by his hands and feet.
Each nail was 6 to 8 inches long. The nails were driven into his wrist, not into his palms as is commonly portrayed. There's a tendon in the wrist that extends to the shoulder. The Roman guards knew that when the nails were being hammered into the wrist that the tendon would tear and break, forcing Jesus to use his back muscles to support himself so that he could breathe. Both of his feet were nailed together thus he was forced to support himself on the single nail that impaled his feet to the cross. Jesus could not support himself with his legs because of the pain, so he was forced to alternate between arching his back, then using his legs just to continue to breathe. Imagine the struggle, the pain, the suffering, the courage.

Jesus endured this reality for over 3 hours. Yes, over 3 hours! Can you imagine this kind of suffering? A few minutes before he died, Jesus stopped bleeding. He was simply pouring water from his wounds. From common images we see wounds to his hands and feet and even the spear wound to his side... But do we realize his wounds were actually made in his body? A hammer driving large nails through each wrist, the feet overlapped and an even larger nail hammered through
the arches, then a Roman guard piercing his side with a spear. But before the nails and the spear, Jesus was whipped and beaten. The whipping was so severe that it tore the flesh from his body. The beating so horrific that his face was torn and his beard ripped from his face. The Crown of thorns cut deeply into his scalp. Most men would not have survived even this torture. "He had no more blood to bleed out. Only water poured from his wounds." The human adult body contains about 3.5 liters (just less than a gallon) of blood. Jesus poured all 3.5 Liters of his blood out; He had three nails hammered into his members; a crown of thorns on his head and, beyond that, a Roman soldier who stabbed a spear into his
side...All this without mentioning the humiliation he suffered after carrying his own Cross for almost 2 kilometers while the crowd spat in his face and threw stones (the cross was probably almost 30 kg of weight, only for its higher part, where his hands were nailed). Jesus had to endure this experience in order to open the Gates of Heaven, So you can have free access to God. So that your sins could be "washed" away.
All of them, with no exception! 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Sunday Joke!

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!
 
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.



About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
 
 
 
10.Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
 
 
 
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
 
 
 
8. Viagra, like a rock!
 
 
 
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
 
 
 
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
 
 
 
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
 
 
 
4.Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
 
 
 
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
 
 
 
2.Viagra, We bring good things to Life!


And the unanimous number one slogan
:

1.This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.