Sunday Joke!

"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS

Written by a third  grader , on what his grandparents do.

After Christmas , a teacher  asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child  wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma  and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house , but Grandpa

got retarded  and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but its  strapped to the ground. They

ride around on their bicycles , and wear name tags  , because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building

called a  wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they  do exercises there , but they don't do

them very well. There is a swimming pool  too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there  is a

doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so  nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go

cruising in their golf  carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every  night - early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll  house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked

center for pot  luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment  and , says I should work

hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my  retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. 

Then I will let people out,  so they can visit their grandchildren.

Sunday Joke!

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. 

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Sunday Joke!

Subject:  Lord Tunderin

                                     

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Mike Weir drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote  town. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "How's she cuttin' bye" (boy) says the attendant. Mike nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick  up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dose?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Mike. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Mike. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting! "

Sunday Joke!

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at "Hooter's" to see some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.