Sunday Joke!

9 points to ponder..........................  

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. 

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe
years and I add:  give them a cell phone with all the bells & whistles & you may never see them again.

 Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.  

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.  

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

 ...and as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.    

Sunday Joke!

Subject: FW: Old Dogs

German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

This made me smile!

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!  Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Sunday Joke!

Eleven Irish people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping... 


PLEASE SEND THIS MAIL TO ALL INTELLIGENT WOMEN.

Sunday tidbits!

Don't let your worries get the best of you;

Remember, Moses started out as a basket case. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
Many folks want to serve God,   
But only as advisers.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
It is easier to preach ten sermons   
Than it is to live one. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
Quit griping about your church;   
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
he is dead. So why should you?   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
Some minds are like concrete   
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
Peace starts with a smile.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from? 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
Don't put a question mark where God put a period. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
Forbidden fruits create many jams.  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
God grades on the cross, not the curve. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  God loves everyone,
But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!' 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
He who angers you, controls you!  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*   
We don't change the message,
The message changes us. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him/her. 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.   
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*