Sunday Joke!

Back and forth . . . .
Back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . .
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards. . . .
Forward then backward. . . .
Again . . . .
and again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . .
totally exhausted . . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!" 

Sunday Joke!

 

1. Man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.   Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. 

 

 

2... At the beginning of my shift 
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 

 

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient. 

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad 
news when I told a wife that her husband had 
died of a massive myocardial infarct.

 

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her 
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up 
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed 
me, his doctor that he was having trouble with
one of his medications.  
'Which one?'… I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours   and now I'm running out of places to put it!'   I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

 

Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,   I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

 

After a look of complete confusion she answered …' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

 

6. I was performing rounds at the 
hospital one morning and while checking 
up on a man I asked . . .'So how's your 
breakfast this morning?' “It's very good 
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem 
to get used to the taste,” Bob replied. 
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced 
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . .. . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

 

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

 

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . 

 

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. 

 

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing   this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down 
her cheeks from laughing so hard. 

 

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was …
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'  Dr. wouldn't submit his name....  
ONE MORE My Favorite

 

Baby's First Doctor Visit 

 

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile! 

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,   waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

 

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,

checked his weight, and being a little concerned,   asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 

 

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. 

 

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts                 

for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. 

 

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk.' 

 

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, 

 

But I'm glad I came.

 

 

 

Sunday Image of Wisdom!

Sunday Joke!

Thoughts on Sex

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL."  
Lynn Lavner




"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."   Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."  

George Burns  




"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."  Sharon Stone 


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

 Tiger Woods 




"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson


"  Clinton  lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."  

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)     


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 

Robin Williams 




"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"  

Billy Crystal 


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." 

Robert De Niro




"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" 

Dustin Hoffman 


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" 

Jerry Seinfeld 




"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

 Robin Williams 


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."  

Joan Rivers


"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."  Steve Martin 




" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." 

Elmo Phillips  


" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde 


" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

Sunday Joke!

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food." 

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach.  It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels.  We assumed it would be included in the price." 

5. "The beach was too sandy.  We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water.  The children were scared." 

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort.  Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England.  It took the Americans only three hours to get home.  This seems unfair." 

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'  We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there.  The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish.  No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito.  The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed.  We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant.  This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." 

BE AWARE ...

THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

Sunday Joke for the guys!

 Finally found the reason I like beer.

A man goes into a bar and drinks beer.    After every glass of beer he pulls a  picture out of his pocket and looks at it.    After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every  glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it  Then the man says:  It's a picture of my wife.  When she looks good to me I'm going home.  That is an example of the "The Power of Beer"  Be sure to click where it says "click here" (That's the cute part)  Click Here Then push the beer glass to the right.

Sunday Joke!