Elephant Butte, NM

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Sunday Christmas Joke!

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope that everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box with Call of Duty and an iPhone 6 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones.

**********************
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for the letter. Mrs. Claus, the elves and the reindeer are all fine. Thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring something you can take outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

*********************
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “Naughty vs Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear in granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jab at my weight and activity coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones


Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas List is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well, that is your right.

Please note, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and could potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of a Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

***********************
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you brought my looks and friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’ll be waiting for your fat ass and I’ll just take my game console, the game, my phone and whatever else I want! WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!!!!

T-Bone

***********************
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe?

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? Do you have any idea what resources I have at my disposal? I got your shit wired, jack! I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people and if I described them here, you’d blow that Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mother’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp your butt and teach you a lesson. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

**********************
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

**********************
Dear Timmy,
That’s what I thought… punk…

Santa


                               Ho, Ho, Ho
                                   Merry Christmas!                  
                                                  santa (320x273)

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Sunday Joke!





        1.  Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research
paper I'm working on for my Psychology class.  When I asked her to
define success in her own words, she said, "Success is when you look
back at your life and the memories make you smile."
        -------------------------------
        2. Today, I asked my mentor - a very successful business man
in his 70s- what his top 3 tips are for success.  He smiled and said,
"Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is
thinking, and do something no one else is doing."
        -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        3.   Today, after a 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman
ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug.   When I tensed
up, she realized I didn't recognize her. She let go with tears of joy
in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said, "On 9-11-2001, you
carried me out of the World Trade Center."
        -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        4.  Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat
on the side of the road holding him and crying.  And just before he
died, he licked the tears off my face.
        -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        5.  Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed
the money, so I went into work.   At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive
home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it
was flat too.   A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we
chatted, and then he offered me a job. I start tomorrow.
        -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        6.  Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood
around my mother's hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent
words before she died. She simply said, "I feel so loved right now. We
should have gotten together like this more often."
        -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        7. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in
a small hospital bed.   About 5 seconds after he passed, I realized it
was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.
        ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        8. Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me
to start recycling.  I chuckled and asked, "Why?" She replied, "So you
can help me save the planet."   I chuckled again and asked, "And why
do you want to save the planet?"  Because that's where I keep all my
stuff," she said.
        ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        9. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient
laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter's antics,  I suddenly
realized that I need to stop complaining about my life and start
celebrating it again.
        ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        10. Today, a boy in a wheelchair  saw me desperately
struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my
backpack and books for me. He helped me all the  way across campus to
my class and as he was leaving he said, "I hope you feel better soon."

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Sunday Story!

Three years ago, a little boy and his grandmother came to see Santa at the Mayfair Mall in Wauwatosa, WI, near Milwaukee.. The child climbed up on his lap, holding a picture of a little girl.
Who is this?" asked Santa, smiling. "Your friend?
"Yes, Santa,' he replied. "My sister, Sarah, who is very sick," he said sadly.
Santa glanced over at the grandmother who was waiting nearby, and saw her dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "She wanted to come with me to see you, oh, so very much, Santa!" the child exclaimed. "She misses you," he added softly.
Santa tried to be cheerful and encouraged a smile to the boy's face, asking him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas.
When they finished their visit, the Grandmother came over to help the child off his lap, and started to say something to Santa, but halted.
"What is it?" Santa asked warmly.
"Well, I know it's really too much to ask you, Santa, but.." the old woman began, shooing her grandson over to one of Santa's elves to collect the little gift which Santa gave all his young visitors.
"The girl in the photograph... my granddaughter well, you see ... she has leukemia and isn't expected to make it even through the holidays," she said through tear-filled eyes. "Is there any way, Santa, any possible way that you could come see Sarah? That's all she's asked for, for Christmas, is to see Santa."
Santa blinked and swallowed hard and told the woman to leave information with his elves as to where Sarah was, and he would see what he could do. Santa thought of little else the rest of that afternoon. He knew what he had to do. "What if it were MY child lying in that hospital bed, dying," he thought with a sinking heart, "This is the least I can do."
When Santa finished visiting with all the boys and girls that evening, he retrieved from his helper the name of the hospital where Sarah was staying. He asked the assistant location manager how to get to the Hospital.
"Why?" Rick asked, with a puzzled look on his face.
Santa relayed to him the conversation with Sarah's grandmother earlier that day.
"C'mon.....I'll take you there." Rick said softly. Rick drove them to the hospital and came inside with Santa.
They found out which room Sarah was in. A pale Rick said, he would wait out in the hall.
Santa quietly peeked into the room through the half-closed door and saw little Sarah in the bed.
The room was full of what appeared to be her family; there was the Grandmother and the girl's brother he had met earlier that day. A woman whom he guessed was Sarah's mother stood by the bed, gently pushing Sarah's thin hair off her forehead. And another woman who he discovered later was Sarah's aunt, sat in a chair near the bed with a weary sad look on her face. They were talking quietly, and Santa could sense the warmth and closeness of the family, and their love and concern for Sarah.
Taking a deep breath, and forcing a smile on his face, Santa entered the room, bellowing a hearty, "Ho, Ho, Ho!"
"Santa!" shrieked little Sarah, weakly as she tried to escape her bed to run to him IV tubes intact.
Santa rushed to her side and gave her a warm hug.
A child the tender age of his own son -- 9 years old -- gazed up at him with wonder and excitement. Her skin was pale and her short tresses bore telltale bald patches from the effects of chemotherapy. But, all he saw when he looked at her was a pair of, huge blue eyes. His heart melted, and he had to force himself to choke back tears. Though his eyes were riveted upon Sarah's face, he could hear the gasps and quiet sobbing of the women in the room.
As he and Sarah began talking, the family crept quietly to the bedside one by one, squeezing Santa's shoulder or his hand gratefully, whispering "Thank you" as they gazed sincerely at him with shining eyes. Santa and Sarah talked and talked, and she told him excitedly all the toys she wanted for Christmas, assuring him she'd been a very good girl that year.
As their time together dwindled, Santa felt led in his spirit to pray for Sarah, and asked for permission from the girl's mother. She nodded in agreement and the entire family circled around Sarah's bed, holding hands. Santa looked intensely at Sarah and asked her if she believed in angels.
"Oh, yes, Santa... I do!" she exclaimed.
"Well, I'm going to ask angels watch over you." he said. Laying one hand on the child's head, Santa closed his eyes and prayed. He asked that, God touch little Sarah, and heal her body from this disease. He asked that angels minister to her, watch and keep her. And when he finished praying, still with eyes closed, he started singing, softly, "Silent Night, Holy Night....all is calm, all is bright." The family joined in, still holding hands, smiling at Sarah, and crying tears of hope, tears of joy for this moment, as Sarah beamed at them all.
When the song ended, Santa sat on the side of the bed again and held Sarah's frail, small hands in his own. "Now, Sarah," he said authoritatively, "you have a job to do, and that is to concentrate on getting well. I want you to have fun playing with your friends this summer, and I expect to see you at my house at McAllister Mall this time next year!"
He knew it was risky proclaiming that to this little girl who had terminal cancer, but he "had" to. He had to give her the greatest gift he could -- not dolls or games or toys -- but the gift of HOPE.
"Yes, Santa!" Sarah exclaimed, her eyes bright.
He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead and left the room.
Out in the hall, the minute Santa's eyes met Rick's, a look passed between them and they wept unashamed.
Sarah's mother and grandmother slipped out of the room quickly and rushed to Santa's side to thank him.
"My only child is the same age as Sarah," he explained quietly. "This is the least I could do." They nodded with understanding and hugged him.
One year later, Santa was again back on the set in the Mayfair Mall in Wauwatosa, WI, near Milwaukee. for his six-week, seasonal job which he so loves to do. Several weeks went by and then one day a child came up to sit on his lap.
"Hi, Santa! Remember me?!"
"Of course, I do," Santa proclaimed (as he always does), smiling down at her. After all, the secret to being a "good" Santa is to always make each child feel as if they are the "only" child in the world at that moment.
"You came to see me in the hospital last year!"
Santa's jaw dropped. Tears immediately sprang in his eyes, and he grabbed this little miracle and held her to his chest. "Sarah!" he exclaimed. He scarcely recognized her, for her hair was long and silky and her cheeks were rosy -- much different from the little girl he had visited just a year before. He looked over and saw Sarah's mother and grandmother in the sidelines smiling and waving and wiping their eyes.
That was the best Christmas ever for Santa Claus.
He had witnessed --and been blessed to be instrumental in bringing about -- this miracle of hope. This precious little child was healed. Cancer-free. Alive and well. He silently looked up to Heaven and humbly whispered, "Thank you, Father. 'Tis a very, Merry Christmas!
If you believe in miracles you will pass this on...I did!
I just discovered this is in fact a true story, I did not realize this until I received the following email from Emily B. Holmberg. Thank you Emily for bringing this to my attention…
"Sorry - I hate chat. One of my facebook friends shared your post from Dec 7 regarding a mall Santa and a visit to Sarah. I am sure wherever you found the story it did not credit the actual writer. I would like you to know, I went to high school with the writer, Susan Morton Leonard, and her husband, Mark Leonard. She wrote the story in 2000 about an incident that happened while Mark was portraying Santa Claus at the Mayfair Mall in Wisconsin. You can find the original story at susans-sea-of-dreams.blogspot.com "

~Emily B Holmberg

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Sunday Joke!

Subject:  The fence and the lawn mower
 
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. 
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.
 
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ....Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

The end!