Sunday Joke!

The  wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex  movie last  night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her  part.

I've  accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell  disaster. 

My  sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I  should have taken them off. 

I  spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or  "foreplay" as  she likes to call it.

I  woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I  got downstairs  and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I  panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's  serves breakfast  until 11:30. 

Bought  the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night,  and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris  wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told  her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
 

My  missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she  screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh,"  I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A  Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned,  I masturbated  while thinking about my sister."  "That's a disgrace," said the  priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous  brothers."