Sunday Joke!

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

  

   

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's

    to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs

    of me wife!"

   

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best

    toast of the night !

   

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the

    prize for the Best toast of The night."

   

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me

    life, sitting in church beside me wife."

   

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

   

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking

    buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled

    leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other

    night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

   

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit

    surprised myself. You know, he's only been in

    there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by

    the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell

    asleep".

Sunday Joke!

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Carol, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. 

Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.  After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. 

She came in and undressed to take a shower.  Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.   As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. 

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.   Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Carol wrapped a sheet around herself  and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. 

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Carol tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." 

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Sunday Joke!

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

 ============================

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

 ============================

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

 =============================

BLIND, BLOND & BALLSY

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"

The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"

The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Sunday Joke!

                                    Blonde in church
                                    
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."  

No one moved. 

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible   misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
                                   
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation  roared.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth, give me an Amen.
                                     

Sunday Joke!

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".